Children.

I've realized that at this point in my life, I can die and it wouldn't matter.  For me it's scary, no doubt, but for anyone else you shouldn't give a shit if I die. 

The way I see it?  When kids die, the tragedy is wasted.  Timmy died today, his biggest accomplishment was spelling "tortoise" right in the 6th grade because he "couldn't read good."

Kids are so shitty and when they die people get so wrapped up in the "what if."

"If he lived, he could've been a doctor."

Does it really take your kid dying to actually have faith in him?  When he was alive you were yelling at him for using his father's socks as cumrags, now he's gunna be a doctor?

Put it this way, when you're alive becoming a doctor is tough.  When you're dead, it gets a little easier somehow.  But again, it's all because of "what if."  If "what ifs" were fishes, this place would smell like Lindsay Lohan.

Kids are so shitty.  I feel like I'm part of a dying breed of decent human beings, and I'm the very worst of the breed too.  I have absolutely no connection with people my age, mainly because so few of them find masturbation as funny as I do (it's hilarious).

Back to my original point, it doesn't matter when kids die because we're just here doing nothing.  When we die, it just means we're out of the race, we have zero effect on anything at this age.

Kids aren't the future, we're going to be the future.  Right now, we're smelly, self-indulgent pricks who honestly just want to stick our dicks in something or rub our pussies against something.  That's all it boils down to.  We suck.  Don't cry when one of you drunk adults hit a boy or a girl with your car.  What you should do is wonder why that adult was drinking in the first place, it's probably more tragic than the kid dying.  Shitty marriages, murder, adultery...  Something you can sink your teeth into. 

For the record, I'd like to state that I am actually glad when kids my age die.  It means more for me.  My chances at doing anything ever go up a slight percentage.

My ass hurts :(

Recently, my uncle got a girlfriend.  She's attractive, I guess, for a 40-year-old woman.  But I do have my complaints...  They aren't about her exactly, but she's a definite target of blame. 

You see, my uncle has the desire to call me every time he takes a sexual step forward with this woman.  I'll get calls in the middle of the night, dinner, breakfast, etc.

"Bro, I tore that ass up last night, rearranged her organs." 

How do I reply to that?  "Yeah?  Did you make her cum?  Where'd you nut?"  There are no books for communicating with your uncle like this, because you shouldn't.

Here's another weird thing he's done:  We were in the car together on our way to the city, prime time for my uncle to boast about his sexual endeavors with this woman.  In this particular moment, he's telling me about how he gave it to this gal in the ass for the first time in her life.  "Bro, I was like the Greek army."

All of a sudden he gets a text and being the responsible, law-abiding driver he is in the state of New York, he hands the phone to me.  I casually take the phone and read it, thinking it'll be something unimportant.

"My ass hurts :("

It seems as though his girlfriend's ass hurt.

There was not an ounce of embarrassment in my uncle, he didn't even miss a beat.  Instead, he started dictating and I started recording, uncomfortably may I add.

"It's supposed to, means I did it right."

"But I can't sit now...  :("

"Get used to it, your ass is in trouble."

"Every time I see you, my ass and the back of my throat hurts."

"Good, now you remember me all day.  I like packing it in tight."

So, here I am talking dirty to a 40-year-old woman for my uncle while he's driving...  And when it's all done?

"Man, she's a good girl, don'tcha think?"

I just confirmed her assgaping later on that night, how can I possibly think she's a good girl?  As far as I'm concerned, every time I look at her I'm just gunna think her gettin' Sasha Grey'd in the pooper.

Swoo, damn!

As a pass-time, my uncle likes to take me cruisin' to look at women.  Now, typically when I go out and do this I'll give the occasional catcall or stop to talk to a woman. 

Not my uncle.

He just slows down and starts mumbling to himself sexually.  And 99.9% of the time it's one of these three phrases:

"I hope she has health insurance."  - This implies he'll fuck a girl so hard she'll be injured.

"Swoo, damn, I'd give her the ol' vertebreaker."  - This implies he'll fuck a girl so hard she'll have spinal injuries, specifically.

Or, my personal favorite, "What's up sloppy?" - Which is saved especially for a girl attractive enough for my uncle to bang, but a little loose.