Fatiquette - Let's do skinny people a favor

I'm no model, folks.  In fact, I'm pretty much overweight.  I'm not morbidy obese by any means, but I can definitely rank "fat" on a scale of fatness.  I'm not ashamed, it's my own lazy self that makes me fat, I can't blame it on anyone else.  I play MMO's, I overeat, and I avoid exercise like the plague.

HOWEVER.

I do manage to look less fat with a technique most fat people develop subconsciously, I call it "fatiquette."  Fatiquette is followed by the socially acceptable fat people trying to coexist with the more attractive, fit people in the world.  People make friends with chubbies who follow fatiquette, no matter what their weight is.

The first level of fatiquette is based on the optical illusion.  One must first remove all excessively baggy clothing, excessively tight, striped, bright, or "one piece" items of clothing from their closet.  You should only wear clothing that hugs areas of you that are more appealing than others.  For instance, I wear shirts that hug my chest because I don't have man-titties.  Yet on that same token the shirt also lets my gut breathe so it doesn't look like a garbage bag full of slop.  Another good idea is to wear hoodies, dark ones.  Dark hoodies (especially with the zipper) work wonders for when you sit down.  You keep the hoodie open so the hanging cloth covers your rolls and love handles.  That way we're not staring at this: 

Building on the first level, "sucking it in" is important.  However, we've all seen people who suck it in too much and look like an unproportioned cartoon.  Well, here's my tip for "sucking it in":  Stay even.

In other words, don't suck your gut in so it passes your chest, keep it even with your chest so it looks like you have a generally big torso.

Level two fatiquette is a true physical challenge.  It involves "looking good in front of your friends."

Setting:  The Golden Coral (buffet)
Party:  You and your 3 friends (all of which are skinnier than you)
What to do:  Hawkeye the most physically fit member of your party's plate, observe his proportions and choices.  Do not get exactly what he/she gets, but rather stick to the same basic floor plan.  Don't look like a pig, you aren't allowed to exceed whatever they are eating.  That means if they don't get seconds, you don't.

Protip:  Eat slowly and drink a lot, it fills you up and it won't let you sit idly while waiting for your buddies to eat.  It'll relieve the urge to go up for seconds, I promise.

Once the night has completed, you may go home and binge eat because all that buffet shit was just an act.  It was a ploy to "look good in front of your friends."  That's right, you'll be leaving little thoughts in their head like:

"Maybe he isn't so fat, maybe it's a medical problem."
Or
"Maybe he isn't fat, maybe he's just a big guy."

And your clearly sloppy, chubby, disgustingly rancid, fat ass can go back to offing the milk-cartonesque container of Goldfish.

The other side of this level is the most physically grueling.  Now some of you may be asking what could be more grueling than not getting seconds at the buffet?  How about physical activity?

Things to know:

• Novices make up medical conditions and fake injuries.
• Smack-talking is a horrible idea.
• DO NOT WEAR SWEAT PANTS.

You can die when you go home but when you're at the park with your buddies, you need to look as in shape as possible.  The best thing you can do is suppress any feelings until you get home, no matter what happens you must lie.  You must fake steady breathing (fake-yawn if you need to breath deeply), you need to talk yourself down and then perform better than the standard you set for yourself, and finally you have to have your escape route. 

The escape route is much different for fat people.  The escape route is the lie we fabricate so we "can only hang around for like a half-hour."

The final level of fatiquette is knowing how to pull the trigger first.  Crack jokes on yourself, fish for compliments, and also keep a positive demeanor no matter what.  If you uphold these levels, you can maintain your weight and remain the "better chubby person" in your clique of friends (because we all know there's more than one, you need to be the better one).