Don't knock it 'til you try it.

For me, sex has only happened conditionally.  There's something in this world that works against me that causes me to rely on some sort of x-factor for sex.  I call it the sex factor.  Whether it be I was the new guy in town, weed, alcohol, or some sort of arrangement was in play, this was the only way I could "get my D wet."  This playa plays with handicap.

Even with handicap, conditions sometimes work against me.

I was friends with a gorgeous chick, one I'd see every day.  I tried so hard to have sex with her but she was one of those fuckin' girls glued to her phone and used the word "ironic" when it wasn't applicable.  Fact of the matter was she didn't "get me."

LOL ur so weird.

Regardless, one day she's goin' through her phone and says, "Ugh...  My sister needs to get laid."

Playfully I comment, "I'll do it."

Now realize when a guy says that, there's a big part of him that prays for some inexplicable response.

"Really?"  BAM.  Yes.  That's the one.

So now the playfulness fades and I take on dickmode.  Dickmode is when your reasoning and thoughts become taken over by your cock.

"Yeah, really!  She'll take anyone?  When can I do it?"

She hits me back with, "What are you doing Friday?"

It doesn't fuckin' matter what I'm doin' Friday, because I'll be somewhere if there's guaranteed tang.  So it was done; I got her sister's number and that was that.  However, as I was walking away and regained normal composure I realized her sister was a fat girl I met at a party once.

I think.

I couldn't pass up the opportunity if I wasn't 100% sure she was fat.  I couldn't just text her "u fat?"  So I decided to take the high road and give myself an ultimatum:

Regardless of her size I would do this.  So, if I didn't enjoy her tubby ass, I could then say, "I don't like fat chicks," with reason.

Note: I don't know if you've ever been engaged in a verbal contract of this sort, but when sex is guaranteed there are no filters on the conversations.  You can't really "fuck it up."  So, the days leading up to Friday she was very enticing.

Friday comes and I'm there at the specified time.  I walk right in through the front door and look around at a grotesquely kept house.  Already I wasn't thrilled...  Please God, make her hot.

When she came into view it was a relief...  My memory doesn't get impaired when I'm drunk; she would be the fattest girl I've ever touched.  I weigh in around 190lbs.  She was me, plus an infant...  Who weighed 50lbs.


She wasn't even one of those chubby cute girls with a nice face and a good personality.  She was fat everywhere and it was terrible.  But I had to man up, this was the moment of truth for me.  Could I truly have sex with the first and only fat girl in my life?  Could I get it out of the way nice and early?  I could.  So I did.

Usually when I'm about to have sex with a girl, I try to keep as many articles of clothing on as possible.  I'm pretty reluctant when it comes to undressing in front of women, mainly because they're usually more attractive than I am.  But the fact of the matter here?  I was the attractive one and it felt awesome.  This was the kind of self-confidence I wish I always had.  I literally jumped out of my clothes and flexed; I felt like a Roman God.

Mousouris, the God of Fatties.

So, it was time for oral sex.  I had once heard that big girls gave good head, something to do with gravity or the fat in their face giving pressure around your rod.

It's a lie.

The fat in her face, neck and forehead made it impossible for her to open her mouth enough to keep her teeth off of my carrot.  I don't even have a big penis, so the teeth were unnecessary.  What was even worse was the noise.  She sounded like someone fat giving head...  The guttural grunts and slurping noises a fat person makes when eating a bucket of KFC resounded in the bedroom.

It was at this moment that I felt my shaft loosing firmness, I had to think quick because I didn't want to insult the girl.  I figured it was time to do the do.  I pulled down her spandex pants that are common for girls her size and drove it home.

Now, there's a common problem for meaty girls and guys with small penises.  Sometimes your dick flops out, it's an easy fix too!  You just stick it back in and continue without pause.


However.


She isn't a meaty girl.  She's a fat girl.  There's a big difference.  When my dick flopped out, it did the usual upward thrust against her coochie instead of in her coochie (an event I call the safety slide when it happens normally).  The deviation here was that I didn't know I flopped out, because where my penis usually safety slides, there was a hotdogbun-esque formation of moist fat that felt just like a coochie...  When she corrected this I nearly died.

There was a brief minute where I was doing okay on her, but then she asked me to choke her.  I have nothing against some sensual choking, but I couldn't get a firm grip around the lifesaver of a neck she had.  It was like I was choking Chris Farley. 

I couldn't take it anymore; I wound up laying back in the messy bed and masturbating next to her as she made some weird noises that ranged somewhere between delight and hunger.

Needless to say, I did it and I won't ever do it again.