My ass hurts :(

Recently, my uncle got a girlfriend.  She's attractive, I guess, for a 40-year-old woman.  But I do have my complaints...  They aren't about her exactly, but she's a definite target of blame. 

You see, my uncle has the desire to call me every time he takes a sexual step forward with this woman.  I'll get calls in the middle of the night, dinner, breakfast, etc.

"Bro, I tore that ass up last night, rearranged her organs." 

How do I reply to that?  "Yeah?  Did you make her cum?  Where'd you nut?"  There are no books for communicating with your uncle like this, because you shouldn't.

Here's another weird thing he's done:  We were in the car together on our way to the city, prime time for my uncle to boast about his sexual endeavors with this woman.  In this particular moment, he's telling me about how he gave it to this gal in the ass for the first time in her life.  "Bro, I was like the Greek army."

All of a sudden he gets a text and being the responsible, law-abiding driver he is in the state of New York, he hands the phone to me.  I casually take the phone and read it, thinking it'll be something unimportant.

"My ass hurts :("

It seems as though his girlfriend's ass hurt.

There was not an ounce of embarrassment in my uncle, he didn't even miss a beat.  Instead, he started dictating and I started recording, uncomfortably may I add.

"It's supposed to, means I did it right."

"But I can't sit now...  :("

"Get used to it, your ass is in trouble."

"Every time I see you, my ass and the back of my throat hurts."

"Good, now you remember me all day.  I like packing it in tight."

So, here I am talking dirty to a 40-year-old woman for my uncle while he's driving...  And when it's all done?

"Man, she's a good girl, don'tcha think?"

I just confirmed her assgaping later on that night, how can I possibly think she's a good girl?  As far as I'm concerned, every time I look at her I'm just gunna think her gettin' Sasha Grey'd in the pooper.